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Tinder/Bumble Basics

We've been hounded on this long enough, so it's time to deliver. Pepper your angus, children, because we are going to impart great wisdom on you. 

So you just got dumped or whatever by some girl that may or may not have even known you existed (we call that stalking round these parts, but whatever) and it's time to get back on the market. Excellent work. Before we dive into how to make the most of the dating apps, we're going to assume that you don't dress, act, and look like a clown. 

Image result for clown paramedic

It's me, I'm the clown

With that out of the way, let's dive right in - Tinder and Bumble are the two most popular apps. They are both relatively similar, with the big difference being women have to message first on Bumble. I consider Tinder to be shopping at Walmart, and Bumble to be shopping at Target. There is a noticeable difference in quality. 

If you are already on these apps, here is what you need to do. Delete your account. I'll explain why that is too! Because the algorithms are designed to promote new accounts (and/or accounts new in the area) ahead of existing accounts. When you create a new account, it will put you in front of the line, ready for the world to swipe on you. How do we stay ahead of this curve? Delete your account every 5 weeks and start over. 

While you are doing that, let's discuss your pictures. If they are selfies, you are wearing sunglasses, or anything with you in your uniform, you deserve to be made fun of publicly. A good candid photo, or a picture someone took of you (ideally not one of you holding your anime body pillow and shitty ninja sword) of you doing something is always a positive choice for that first profile picture. 

The subsequent ones should be you with friends, doing something fun/interesting, holding a dog/cat/small child, out with friends, in a stupid costume, literally ANYTHING but awkward car selfies, mirror selfies, or pictures you took of yourself. Don't have any pictures like this? Sounds like you should ask a friend to take some bullshit candid photos of you. It'll work. 

Now that we have the photos out of the way, let's talk your bio and pickup lines. Here is the secret: Nobody cares. Don't be serious about this. I would always use stupid/inappropriate opening lines, puns on their name, and joke about my mother can't wait to meet them. You'll get 2 responses. They find it hilarious and the conversation continues, or they don't find it funny and unmatch you. The ones without a sense of humor aren't the ones you want anyways. 

For a bio, self deprecating humor is always a positive. Be weird with it. Don't try too hard, and please do not put you are an EMT/Firefighter/Dragon Slayer/Hero on there. Girls will screenshot it and send it to us and we will all laugh at your expense. Be humble. Let them ask what it is you do for a living, it will be more impressive that you aren't boasting if they have to ask. 

As for conversation ideas, don't ask things that can be yes or no, and if they bite, great. Don't pussy foot around getting the number and meeting up after a day or two of chatting, and for God's sake, don't immediately reply when they text/message. Also, if you double or (plz no) triple text with no reply, go ahead and unfollow us. People have phones on them almost 24/7, to take forever to text back means they are playing games. If that's the case, however long they took to reply, double the time and send it off and move on to the next one. 

Date ideas are on you, (I'd stick to grabbing a beer or coffee) but follow this recipe and you should be fine.

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